I feel so out of it these past could days. I think its the change in the weather and maybe that effect
ing me as well mentally. Today I really feel like I am coming down with a cold or something head aches
and just these hot and cold flashes. I think its all stress related.

Looking at myself and my life and my room for that matter I see lots of scattered ideas and disorganiz
ation. My room is just filled with piles and piles of papers, magazines, books jut everything. There i
s some method to the madness but it takes a mad man to understand it.

I did start to read G
etting Things Done. Yet I reached a point where he asked me to list my goals and things I want to
accomplish and it scared me. I dont know why I think its a fear of failure, so the less goals I have t
he less chance of failing. I feel I am floundering through life.

And it is not healthy.

I think everyone looks for a focus in their lives. Something they look forward to and can plan. I also
been thinking of getting married or just relationship. Some how being married is associated with a pl
an. You have someone else to think about and focus about. You also look to the future together discuss
ing where you want to vacation, kids and lunch next week. And its a joy cause you have something to lo
ok forward to. But I dont think getting married is the solution to this focused happiness unless you a
ren’t setting your own goals and things to look forward to. What if you both clash on things and both
rely on each other as a quick fix; how long will that last? A month? A year? Less? More?

As you can see lots of things going on in my mind. And thats the way I think. Its not linear, I jump a
round a lot, so thinking about the future with things I plan to do or hope to accomplish, yet dont pla
ce steps or procedures needed to get there. I know its in my ability to do it, and with ease. Yet some
thing keeps holding me back and I hate it.

Need to get out of this stuckness. Mayb
e what I really need is therapy.